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[24 Apr 2005|08:34pm]
The Hallway

my heart started racing
stomach near my knees
I started second guessing
I knew it couldn't be
It was just my imagination
A fairy tale, you see
I know you didn't see me
How could you really care
You would never give the hope
by noticing me there
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[10 Apr 2005|10:53am]
My heart feels so distant
like a windchime's melody
twinkling and flowing
happy in the breeze
My heart feels so distant
a flower I can't reach
a seed in the soil
unseen and unknown
my heart feels so distant
but I am not alone
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What I can't see outside of my window. [15 Nov 2004|08:59am]

[ mood | cold ]

It's so cold outside.  I wish i could see out my window, past all of this rain.  Or maybe that the cold would drop... just a few more degrees so this disaster could turn into something beautiful, and I could find hope in this nervousness somewhere.  It's a bad feeling.  To be stuck inside, looking through a window you can't see anything out of for any sign of something good or beautiful.  Much like my anticipation.  You never know what will ebcome of you.  You're always in such a thick foggy haze, looking through every fragment life lays in front of you, trying to see past them, looking for a sign of light.  Some sign of hope, or something to reach for.  I suppose i could say every one fo these drops of rain is a different worry in my head.  They fall so fast and thick, I can't see if my expectations could be met on the other side.  It's circumstances like these that set up days where i know nothing will go my way.  I know in all probability I'll be disappointed again.  But still I sit here, staring out of my window at the wall thick layer of rain falling outside.  It's quite nervewrecking if I may say so.  Your brain will form little patterns out of the rain drops, so you always thought you saw something, but you never really do.  So the question I suppose I'm hinting at... is should I sit here... wishful and hopeful of what I really want... or should I give into the pessimistic probability that I'll be let down, and give up, and turn away from this window.  As painful as it is to sit and stare through it, I know my ambitions are on the other side. 

I suppose if things were to fail... it would be for the better? Right?  Knowing she'd never do anything to upset me, but as well as i know, she puts he mind elsewhere often.  She's so spontaneous, she often times forgets to think things through in all of the excitement.  But I believe if she sat down and thought about it, her choice would be the same.  Even if in the order it should be, second place always feels like last.  Because you don't know how bad it feels to be third, and you're always reaching out for first.  It's always such a far reach.  Then again, I would probably have to believe Einstein when he commented that "God doesn't roll dice."  That is of course if I were sure that there is a God.  I wonder sometimes.  But that doesn't affect my belief in fate.  That things will work out the way they should given the choices you make.  Much like if I choose to sit here, staring out of this window until my expectations are met, If fate has it that it should happen, I would sit there until it did happen.  Yet if it did not happen, I would sit there until tired of it, and i would remove myself from the position, or I would sit there all day, unveiling no sign of a reward, but for some purpose i would later figure out.  Nothing is trivial.  It all plays part in a bigger role. 

Still, I think I would rather have my way this time. As unlikely as it is.  If I don't I know better things were needed to be tended to, but I suppose maybe I'm just getting tired.  A heart can only be put off for so long, you know?  I think mine is getting close to its quota.

So today I will sit here.  I'll stare through this pannel glass, making pictures of the worries that are raindrops.  I'll animate my expectations in these worries, and if these expectations are not met, I have them in my head to play over and over, and I'll trick myself into believeing they did.   I wont get my hopes up, and I'll stay pessimistic on the subject.  I'll tie a rock onto these hopes, and so if they cannot go up, they cannot fall down.  But wishes and hopes are not the same.  In my head, I will replay over and over, my wish that my ambitions may come forth though this rain, and I may see hope outside of my window.



Sorry for any abundance of typos.

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If you want my autobiography, just ask me. [26 Sep 2004|06:43pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'm wearing the same pants for two days
my hairs a mess
it's not the craze
I think too much and sing too loud
you bet I'll brag but I'm so proud
I dress for success
you know I'll fail
I'll follow the crowd just to act like the
I'll talk too loud during your favorite part
of the movie.
I won't be perfect
I might be fake
you can't mend all the pieces I want to break

but baby we could mess with fate

7 comments|post comment

[21 Sep 2004|06:26pm]

Hm.... Maybe i should write something COMPLETELY emo too?


The red fabric... threads interlacing into the yellow fabrics. Removed from old shorts, buttons sewn on with the care you would provide to your very own child. Every stitch, every taper matching a precise measurement. In and out, the needle moves through the cloths, seeming to make a pattern or song with the thuds of the string tightening and zipping through the fabric. One stitch left... one stitch... and i can hand you... not tell you... but let you hold every emotion i ever felt for you.

After these past two days... I don't really understand why my heart is still beating. I applaud it's endurance and persistance. I'm very impressed, myself. My brain gets my heart into so much trouble. So much neglect, it really doesn't deserve. Love is a very unfair process. The heart gives everything it can to make everything work right. Make you an honest person. Make your life complete. Everyone knows exactly where they're going in life. Your heart is pointing you straight at it, yet your brain scrambles your readings, and shears your pathways all over the place. Seems like one day your heart would stand up to your brain and tell it to back off, and settle down. But no. The heart is such a pacifistic creation... it simply sits back, and waits for it's chance to wield conrol. I guess I have to wish it wasn't so patient. Maybe things would have never worked out this way. I wish I'd never said the things I said. More so, I wish I hadn't done the things I'd done. Your heart knows when to shut up. Unfortunately my brain doesn't. It's like your brain can't think and work at the same time. And for this... I'm standing here. Snow is falling everywhere. It's beautiful. Almost glorious. But the loss of feeling in my toes, and my clattering teeth seem to draw a bit from the romanticism. Stupid canvas shoes. Not built for snow... they are equipped with no sort of insulation. In this case, style shouldn't be an issue. But what can i say? When it came to you... i was always dressed to impress. You'd be amazed at the laborous thought I put into what I wear when i knew i'd be seeing you. And at this point... impression was critical. So i guess I didn't mind that my toes were freezing. Besides... you'd fall in love with this scarf. You loved boys with scarves. Both Dark and Light teal stripes, of course to bring out my eyes, that you said she loves so much. I don't see why you're so impressed. I'd rather have yours any day. I'd stand here waiting for you all day if i had to. I would. But God, I wish you'd show up already.

Neighbors are probably getting creeped out now. A stranger person... they've seen before, but do not know, standing in a neighbors yard, not moving, simply waiting. Not exactly an every day sight. I see them stare out of their windows at me. Some taking it as far as to sneak glances, as if I don't know they're looking. I really couldn't care less. I was far too busy taking in the beautiful yet diverse designs of each and every snowflake that fell. I wanted to catch them, and take them home, and decorate things with them, but these snow flakes, like most good things, don't last forever. So I admired them while I could. Does that sound familliar to you? You watch as it approaches you. Admire it's beauty... enjoy every second you can with it. Treat it as gently and your hand and heart will allow, as to not break such a fragile structure. You fill your heart fill and overflow with joy and excitement, even though you know theres a strong possibility in a single movement or single second, you could break it, or it would fade away. But you hold on to it for every second you can. Snowflakes are amazing...

And as these ideas played around in my head... jumping from conclusion to conclusion like childern in a game of leapfrog... my thought processes were shattered by the beams of headlights. Your car was pulling into the driveway. I would have walked to meet you at your car door... but I couldn't feel my feet. I was sure you'd walk to me. I was right. You approached me. A slightly confused look upon your face. You closed your eyes and sighed.

"What are you doing here? You know I can't stand to see you right now. Just... Just get into your car and go. Please." You said, then looking down with your finger placed on her brow...shaking her head in discontent.

I looked down at what I had been holding in my hands this whole time. "Look... I made this for you. I've spent every night thinking about every word... every action I made wrong. I played over ever scenario I could appologize to you. I played out every movement, every word, every feeling. I thought of everything that could possibly result from what I did, and I thought of every way I could try to make you forgive me. But I crossed it all out. I mentally backspaced it all, and decided I wont make you do anything. Here. Take this. I made this for you. every stitch had you in mind. every piece of fabric means something to me about you. Every inch of thread holding it together signifies every time i wish i could tell you what I want to tell you now." I extended my arm, and placed in your hands the handcrafted bear. Every inch, cut, sewn, and stuffed by hand. "My heart is in that bear. And I want you to keep it forever."

You looked at me with your beautiful green eyes. They're blue... but on certain occasions they turn green... that's when I like them the most. I could barely see them from the glares of your tears. you lunged forward and wrapped your arms tightly around my neck, and nuzzled your cheek in under my jaw. I couldn't have ever felt happier.

"I love you... it just... hurts sometimes..." you said through a teary voice.

"I know it does..." I said.. as i squeezed you tighter, as if i'd never let go " so you can take all the time you want in making everything okay for you. I've stood here for four hours in the freezing snow... waiting to give you this. I could ahve waited here all day. Take your time... and when your heart says you're good to go... I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere. I'll freeze before I move."

You looked at the ground, then moved your eyes back up to me... and you said. "i love you so much... and you're so damn hot with that scarf on..."

sorry. ^_^ had to. ^_^
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*hopping on the bandwagon* [20 Sep 2004|06:49pm]

a story if despair... hopelessness... no... not really... it's really about being about nothing... -_- well... kindof... just read it.

And so I looked down; watching my fingers like little ants in an ant farm, scrambling from place to place... or watching a construction video on fast forward... Pecking... scrambling around looking for the right keys. Finding their way to the one labeled "backspace" quite frequently. Watching my hands type down these senseless wrods, for most likely no reason... just to know they're occupied, I suppose. "Idle hands are the devils playground." Or so I hear. I was never to interested in being a host for the devil. So i'll keep these fingers busy with their own projects. I guess every word in my head kindof plays into one... all the letters hooking up, dangling from one another, forming new words, cancelling one another out. Resembling somewhat of what the investigation scene of two collided airplanes would resemble. Minus the gore, flames, metal scraps, and press sharks trying to get a glimps of the poor, unfortunate souls, who felt the need to defy the boundaries of human existance. Something I so wish to do without the assistance of a large mechanical contraption. I feel I should let my soul go free and join these words together... form what they will, as an angel would. every dove eventually molts it's wings. The souls in heaven catch these feathers as they fall... and collect these prized posessions... because soon enough, they'll collect enough feathers, for their own wings... and they can fly with the other angels. I pick each of these words as they form in my head... each special one impressed with such impecable precision. I'm forming my masterpiece... with each word... I assemble my wings... and I'll make this nothing... this jumble of words... this activity of the fingers.... fly away.

sorry, i was inspired... everyone else was writing... I suck at typing, and i refuse to spell check or read over. sorry.
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only the good die young [19 Sep 2004|03:35pm]
heatCollapse )

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[10 Sep 2004|10:12pm]

It's the scariest shit in the world,
Love is...
its a kind of scary,
that comes out of nowhere...
and surprises you... and it....
goes inside of you
and grips your stomach and....
goes up to your throut and steals your breath....
and it flows through your whole body
and inside your vains...
and it feels like... you could burst...
and you do... but with energy
and it makes you shake a little....
but kinda giggle all at once....
it's the scariest...
most amazing feeling you could ever
possibly feel.
and to think...
i felt it all...
because of you...
2 comments|post comment

mixed tapes and mailboxes [10 Sep 2004|02:40pm]

[ mood | wtf ^^ ]

and bottled messages too.Collapse )

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stitches [10 Sep 2004|02:40pm]

[ mood | hyper ]

I never thought I would see her go. So unimaginable it was, that something so incomprehensively remarkable could ever enter my life. I was so taken with the fact I had such a thing, the very idea that it could leave never crossed my mind. And perhaps, that was my initial mistake.
The second mistake? The moment I realized what this girl was to me, I set aside a piece of myself for her. Every time we were together, every time I thought about her or dialed her number I wrote her name on that piece. It’s hers. And I never gave it to her. Not once did I remotely touch on how important she was to me.
Why not? Yeah, I had reasons, tons of them. But what are they to me now? Worthless. They are entirely worthless.
I hated school. School to me was something in life you just had to just go through, or it would kick you in the ass later on. So I always sat in the back corner next to the air conditioner, farthest away from any possible sleep disturbances. I think my school enjoyed taking advantage of government funded air conditioning, because the entire building was forever at artic levels. Not that it was a problem, year round here, you could cook your breakfast on the sidewalk on your way to school. So the cool indoors were an expected escape from possible dehydration and heat stroke. And right there, sitting in front of me, was the most fascinating shivering creature I had ever set my eyes on. Soon enough, school wasn’t so bad.
I swear she was cold blooded. In my entire life I’ve never known anyone to lose so much heat so fast. I started wearing jackets to fourth period, not that I needed them, but because I was crafty. It became custom for me to sit down everyday and ask her if she wanted to use my jacket. Naturally she always accepted.
The year after that is a fantastic blur. Not a day went by that we didn’t talk in one form or another. And then, it all ended.
As cruel fate would have it, she went to a distant place, distant and cold. She would tell me before she left, how this place had all four seasons. Who needs four seasons when you can be warm and cozy year round? She talked about how the trees change, and the streets would be cluttered with brilliant reds and oranges. But when I thought of her, I only saw greens and yellows. And what about after autumn, her world would be blanketed with no colour at all. Who was going to protect her from such harsh and miserable conditions?
And so, I made myself the lamest kid in the entire world, and had my granny teach me to knit. If you could imagine, not many guys have this kind of skill, or want to. At first, I hid it from everyone and worked in secret. But after time, I became so devoted to the idea, that I no longer cared what they might say.
Perfection was key. Even though I wasn’t very good at the actual process, I tried my best. I could look back at every stitch and remember what I was thinking when I made each knot of yarn. In this way, each and every memory of her was intertwined with the greens and yellows I had chosen. It was the piece of me that I could finally give to her. I could finally return the warmth she had given me.
I finished sometime in September. Hopefully it wasn’t already cold where she was. I found a box and addressed it myself. Then I folded my, well, her, scarf as neatly as I could; and on top of it was a single piece of paper cut into the shape of a small heart. Lame, yes very lame, but the feeling was right so I did it anyways.
Sending that box off was a great turning point in my life. I’ve never before heard of such a feeling, it must be something rare.

i dont lj cut on tornpaper so im an asshole :]

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[19 May 2004|10:54pm]


[[posted this on my DA, but i liked it, so i figured i would share it with the wonderful world of tornpaper as well.]]

i'm ok.
really, i am.
i'm fine.
i'm moving on.
i don't even think about you anymore.
until i hear you name.
then i kind of wonder.
and start to get a little sad,
but i really am ok.
i'm keeping myself busy.
i'm doing things for myself.
i'm fine.
until i see your face in my mind.
then i kind of wonder.
and start to get a little sad,
but i really am ok.
i'm smiling a lot more often.
i'm even having a good time.
i'm ok.
until i come across an old memory.
then i kind of wonder.
and start to get a little sad,
but i really am ok.
as long as i don't think of you.
as long as i don't picture your face.
as long as i don't come across old memories.
i really am fine.

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give me a red cape- i wanna be super man [11 May 2004|10:42pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I wanna steal your sweat shirts
and fix your hats
mark my territory all over your map
squeeze my picture into your frame
share a secret
take the blame

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round and round we go again [11 May 2004|07:52pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

my love for you has sunk to an all time low
or high
the limits never ending

1__you asked me what went wrong
2__ill write you this last song
3__just tell me one more way we can win

one more thing before i go

for the one who loves me so

dont make me count to three again

just what would you if your dreams were coming true

stop pretending
what you mean isnt what you say

hopeful dreaming
sometimes its worth the pain wishing you were still the same

she leaves
she walks away
happy endings

strategically placed lyrics. if they are even right in the first place. i dunno. i dont care. i needed a filler entry. havent dusted my tornpaper membership in a while

should i use and lj- cut? i should have...

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INFORMATIVE POST [01 May 2004|08:17pm]
Okie dokie guys and dolls.

this is becky, your co-mod. for tornpaper

I've noticed that alot of you have joined our community recently that I don't know... so I am giving you the chance to introduce yourself to all of us here at tornpaper and I'd also like to encourage you to share stories, poems, and pictures along with reading and commenting.

I'll start with me:

Hi, I'm Becky and I write mainly poems and stories or short blurbs. Feel free to comment or question anything i've done, and I will greatly appreciate the time you put into reading my stuff. If you have any questions about me or would like to find out more about our community please comment or contact me at my personal journal.

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[25 Apr 2004|06:22pm]

[ mood | indescribable ]

If i were to die
id die alone
with no one
not even a soul to see
the pain id put myself through
id cut myself open
finally expose the truth
let the light
that had been hidden inside
finally shine through
tears would run down my face
as i remember all the things i didnt do
but a smile would appear
when i remembered id be leaving
all the cruel things you did do
do to me
but the pain you put me through
would be nothing
compared to the things
id put myself through
pain no one else understands
pain only felt by me
pain that would never leave
pain that would grip me
choke me until i would not longer bleed

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[24 Apr 2004|09:25pm]

ok so i just joined and im gonna post now..ya so i hope no one cares i joined but ya.
so i wrote this a couple days ago its not to great...at all but i figured id post it and see if anyone said anything bout it.

Theres so many things going through my head
i feel like shes controling
every thought thats passing by
floating around in my head
it seems like she's trying
so hard to see through my eyes
but i dont dare show her
much to scared to show her my true life

The room spins
im dizzy
and i cant control
what im thinking
her eyes
they're stuck in my head
deep and secrative
they wont leave my head
im falling into a tunnel
deep dark and full of hate
remembering is something hard
forgetting is much to late

Im risking my whole sanity
images flood my mind
as i hoplessly stare at her
what is it with her eyes
they force me to remember
all the things from long ago
when he controled my life
when he went ahead and stole my soul

Cuz her eyes are hypnoziting me
theres so many things going through my head
i feel like shes controling me
and every thought thats passing through my head
it seems like she's trying
so hard to see through my eyes
but i dont dare show her
im to scared to show her
my true life
2 comments|post comment

[09 Apr 2004|03:11pm]

they ask.
what will you be?
what will you do?
tomorrow, you say.
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[29 Mar 2004|01:12pm]

"i'll call you later, ok?" he said.
"sure. yeah. ok." she muttered.
"sarah?... i love you." he added with a whim of knowledge of how angry he had made her by getting off the phone after 15 minutes. they hadn't spoken in days and he had to go to work in a few minutes. sarah was pissed pff at derrick as usual.
"i bet you do..." she thought.
"i love you too, derrick." she sincerely repied.
derrick always ended the conversation with those three damn words. too bad sarah knew he didn't mean them. god, he didn't know what love was. he didn't know what it meant to love someone. sarah did. sarah had been loved before. at the time she didn't know it was love or that she was truly loved. but it was. and she had been.
now that sarah knew love, she knew she loved derrick. sarah loved derrick. she loved him unconditionally. she loved everything about him. his flaws, his insecurities, she even loved his annoying habits. she loved everything about him. she loved being with him. she needed to be with him. she needed to touch him, feel him, smell him. she needed him.
(to be continued. maybe.)
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[28 Mar 2004|10:38pm]

hello im peter this is my first entry i like to write poetry and here is one of mine i wrote recently:


I see the prolonged sky

Beautifully glowing with darkness

I dwell upon that day

Before I met my grave

I can reminisce how it happen

How I fell upon this disease

It was a cold winter night

My love was in the hospital

I came driving with anxiousness

I caught a glimpse of her beauty

Within the plastic cage

I crawled through the darkness

And found my way in

Her eyes were watered in blood

She was as pale as ivory snow

Without an antidote

With her last dying breath

We shared a last deadly kiss

Until she faded into forever

I felt the disease spread through

It felt like my head was a stone

Piling down to my stomach

I could not walk I could only fall

I could see past my bloody eyes

At the end of the agony

I fell into death

The deepest well

I walked around the people

Dressed in black and white

I saw my casket fall six feet under

Buried across from my last love

And on the gravestone wrote,

“A dirty needle started it all,

and with it two lovers fall”
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[25 Mar 2004|12:13pm]

not sure where this is going. or even really where it came from. i guess i just had what bucky and anja call 'bing'..

it was in his eyes.
i could see anything.
in his eyes.
everything was in his eyes.
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